My old friend Kris called me today. I've known him for ages. We were pals during the mid to late 80's when I lived in Southern California and we spent our summer weekends at West Street Beach in Laguna.
Kris was the guy at the beach who epitomized the California Beach Boy at its zenith: beautiful, athletic body (naturally, not by steroids), blonde, great smile and an infectious personality. Even better, he could surf. I nicknamed him Moondoggie after the Gidget movie; most of the guys ended up calling him Gidg. One of the first people I met on the day I discovered West Street for the first time (Laguna's secluded gay beach), Kris invited me to join his throng of fellow gay surf dudes whenever I went to the beach. And what a beautiful group of guys they were. I didn't have the surfer body or the blonde or dark looks they did so I did what I called the Rosalind Russell routine: wear fun clothes (in this case the latest fun trunks) and be a great conversationalist. And I ended up making some pretty cool beach pals.
For a good looking guy, Kris has a terrible track record of dating the wrong man. When I met him, he was just breaking up with Mike who could have been his twin: blonde, tan, blue-eyed and dumber than a pet rock. That summer (1985) he hooked up with Mitch - dark haired, wiry, great hairy chest and smart to boot - an attorney in Newport Beach. I liked Mitch an awful lot but at the end of the summer, he and Kris were split. So it began every summer - we would guess who would be Kris' new flame. While this is all fine and dandy in your 20's, there comes a time when you can't coast on good looks any more.
It's hit my friend.
Kris is a CPA with a thriving practice in Orange County. He's no dummy when it comes to work and he's made an incredible professional success. But his personal life - all I can say is "oy".
"Mark, for the first time in what - twenty years? - I don't have a man to date."
"Take a number" I replied non-chalantly. "Not everybody has a cute guy in their bed 24/7."
"No" he said, "I'm serious. You've been married too long. Do you know how hard it is to find the right guy?"
"I would think that between the bars, the internet and your endless list of pals you would have been introduced, picked up or bought the man of your choice" I replied.
"It's fine if you're 25" he said. "Remember that? The world was our oyster. I could get anything I wanted."
"And if I remember right, you did and then some" I added.
"But now I'm 46. I"m tired of dating 25 year olds" he sighed.
"I won't touch a guy under 35" I laughed.
"Seriously, it's like I waited and waited and all the good guys were snatched up."
"Listen", I said, "Let's cruise guys together like we used to at the beach, except this time, let's do it online."
We cruised Match.com and Yahoo Personals. I was going to take him over to Bear411 but he's not a bear and not into the bear bretheren at all. On, and we did Gay.com for good measure.
Using his sign on and password, I quickly found out that this internet dating business is for the birds. I picked guys and Kris picked guys; what was ironic was that the ones we picked all had prerequisites. Here they are in order of popularity:
- No Smoking (tops the list)
- Must be employed with their own car (a Southern California thing)
- Must have their own place to live. (ibid)
- Not open to PNP or 420 ("Is that an Area Code I'm missing?" I cracked).
- Must be height/weight proportinate (very Southern California)
- Must be straight acting (uh-oh, entertainment types. Steer clear).
- Will not bottom (Come to SF honey, we have more bottoms than tops!)
- Must love my (dog, cat, monkey).
- NOT A SUGAR DADDY (Popular in the "Older for Younger" categories).
- Must be able to kiss well (finally something tangible!)
- Will not put up with Streisand or Midler worshipers (only in WeHo)
- Being gay is only a small part of me. (Note: I AM A PERSON).
And then there's the usual bullshit you find in any straight ad:
- Love to walk on the beach
- Cook, Entertain
- Read, Write
- Camping
- Going to restaurants and the movies.
Blah, blah, blah.
At the end I was so exhausted going through all these prerequisites I feigned a nap coming on.
The one thing that I've noticed about the internet is that it takes the mystery away about a person. In my salad days, one of the neat things about dating was learning about someone: most importantly what their brain was like but along the way stripping the outside packaging and finding the real deal inside. These days you can find out more information than ever and that's before you click to send them an email.
So I came up with a pair of great ideas:
1. Throw a cocktail party for all your single gay friends and ask them to invite a fellow single friend who they are not presently dating. (Having sex with but not dating doesn't count).
Or
2. Invite a bunch of gay couples and have them each bring an unattached gay friend. The reasoning behind this is that Gay couples always have friends who just turned single.
While you may not find the man of your dreams instantly, it does open up the way to meeting new people. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these ideas may work. Your input is always welcome.
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dhbearguy!
