AND THE BEAT GOES ON...

We were supposed to leave for Mexico this past Tuesday. I had to cancel the trip on Monday night because of some last minute business responsibilities – the first time I’ve ever had to do that. Bob was so understanding – “if this is the only major problem we’ve had to deal with in over 12 years then that’s just fine.” What a guy. And I already had the pups boarded in Sonoma. No biggie. Decided to leave them up there for the rest of the week.

So I arrived at work on Tuesday morning to a surprised staff but at least the pressure was off. I felt better and so did Bob as he had a ton of things he had to do at his office, too.

Wednesday morning I had a great workout at the gym. The day was gorgeous so I put the top down for the drive between the gym and the office. I reached into my briefcase to get my cell phone, turned it on and there were 10 urgent messages. Uh-oh. The long and short of it was:

• Both Grandparents in the Emergency Room in Burlingame.
• My Sister was having an Caesarian Section in SF.

Mother and Dad couldn’t be in both places.

I was dispatched to Burlingame. By the time I got there, my Grandmother was fine (hers was a pacemaker adjustment) but my Grandfather had broken his hip so they were going to have to operate. The guy is 101 years old (yes, you read right) who still has his marbles, a great cardio vascular system but is losing his strength. So they did a local anesthetic and pinned his hip. He’ll be “in hospital” for a while but will pull through.

My sister and her husband had a healthy, bouncing baby Boy. HOORAY! His name is Aidan. What a cutie. I’m thrilled for both of them. First kid. Saw him on Thursday. I got teary and emotional when I left – but then I did the same thing when my niece was born in 2001.

So while I'm disappointed we weren't in Mexico this week, I'm so glad I was here to be with my family.

It’s been interesting watching the Martha Stewart trial the pats two weeks. What a selfish, thoughtless, insecure, lying woman. Did she realize that her illegal and penurious action would cause:
▪ Investors to lose money
▪ Hundreds of Talented Employees to lose jobs
▪ A successful multimedia company about to collapse

Probably not. From the research that I’ve garnered and from listening to her in interviews, it’s always been “IT’S ALL ABOUT MARTHA”. All she has wanted is fame and fortune. She got the fame – lopsided as it may be – but she may be losing a great chunk of her fortune. On Friday alone she lost over 50 million alone on paper as her stock plummeted from $16 to under $10 a share.

Her attorneys are going to try to appeal this but frankly I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

I hope the judge sentences her to jail – not probation – so she may atone for being a nasty, selfish, lying cunt.

Comments like the last paragraph above always remind me of Marianne saying to me "so Mark, tell us how you really feel!"

The Dick Check

I'm so annoyed at my brother.

He called me today to tell me that he was disappointed that Aidan wasn't going to have a bris. For those of you who don't know what one is, this is the circumcision ceremony of a Jewish boy's penis. You can do it at the hospital at birth or within five days of birth at home. If you do it at home, you have to get a special Rabbi called a Moyel to do the ceremony. You bring your son out, the Rabbi says a bunch of prayers and then you cut the foreskin off. The kid cries briefly, has a sip of sacramental wine and then he's either passed around for everyone to admire or my preference, handed to his Nanny and put to bed. Everyone adjourns to the groaning buffet and open bar. It's one of the most barbaric ceremonies I've ever been to.

For the sake of keeping peace with my extremely close family, I've only attended the bris' of the oldest son only. With subsequent sons I've been conveniently busy.

The last time I attended one at my cousin Andy's house, the Moyel looked disheveled. "Look" I said to my Aunt Lorraine, "he had lunch at Pasta Pommodoro".

"How can you tell?"

"It's all in his beard."

"I take it his coat hasn't beeen to the Dry Cleaners either" she commented.

"Why?"

"Looks like he's still got spots from the last bris"

"Gross".

**************************

My sister is married to an Irish Catholic. She and I had this conversation a couple of months ago. "If it's a boy, I'm not going to have a bris" she announced over lunch.

"Great!" I replied. "What made you reach this conclusion?"

"Well, the Catholics don't do that."

"I beg to pardon, Dear, but I can attest that I've seen plenty of circumcised Catholic penises."

A lady at the next table raised her eye. My sister caught it. "He's Gay and a Doctor" she said and the lady started to laugh.

"Doctor of Dicks" I muttered and we both cracked up.

"Seriously though", she continued, "if we move back to Ireland, none of the kids there are circumcised. He may feel out of place."

"He can always get that done later" I said, "although it's a bit painful."

"Do you know anyone who did that?" she asked.

"Donny McGee. He was in pain for days but according to him he gained two inches and felt much better about his sex life. Personally, I think sex with uncut guys is just sexier."

"Why?"

"Because I think in a subconcious way they're trying to overcome the looks of their dick. I think that's a bunch of horseshit because a dick is a dick, foreskin or not. Size doesn't matter - it's how you make love that counts" I said, laughing. My sister joins in the laughter.

"I figured you wouldn't show up to the ceremony anyways" she shrugged.

"You got that right. Pay for his private school tuition, first car, first whore but there's no way in hell that I'm going to a circumcision ceremony."

********************

So today, my brother calls me.

"Brenda's not going to have a bris".

"True. Who told you?"

"Dad. Did you know that since he's not having a bris he can't have a Bar Mitzvah?"

"What the fuck? Who told you that?"

"It's in the commandments. You have to be circumcised in order to have a Bar Mitzvah."

"Excuse me, but I don't believe they had a dick check when I was 13. Same goes for you. So how the hell would they know?"

"I'm just telling you she'd better change her mind and have a bris for the boy."

"Sorry, kid, that's her decision. And besides, uncut guys are sexier."

"How would you know?" asked my brother. But before I could reply he said "well, YOU WOULD KNOW."

"Damn right" I said.

I'm calling the temple on Monday to set Aidan's Bar Mitzvah date.